I'm a childhood sexual abuse
I was raped by my father and step grandfather. I own
it. I claim it. It makes me who I am, and it's important for me to
be that person who can admit it because I know other people are out there and I
know how alone and ashamed and lost I felt when I started having visions of
being violated; and, I never want anyone to feel alone or ashamed for something
they had no control over. The people I trusted to love me and make me
feel safe betrayed me and ripped a hole in my psyche that left me damaged and
disconnected and heartbroken. Because I was raped, I have trust issues,
body issues, intimacy issues, waxing and waning self-esteem issues, paranoia
and I take everything so personally. All of that’s compounded by the fact
that I’m going to feel like I’m losing my mind at any given moment.
The visions of being raped as a
child didn’t begin until after I’d written this book, but writing this book
helped me heal myself. I never would have been able to survive the shame
of being raped if I hadn’t written it, if I hadn’t gone on my journey.
I’ve been dead. I’ve been homeless. I’ve been raped dozens of times
as a child by people who loved me. I fight mental illness every second of
the day, but I know that SOMETHING WONDERFUL IS GOING TO HAPPEN!
I cannot let the shame of
something I cannot change destroy me. I refuse to do that, so I forgive
myself and I forgive the people who abused me and I free myself and by freeing
myself I allow myself to heal! I honor my goodness when I allow
myself to heal because I let all the negativity go. The only reason
anyone ever need to forgive someone: honor your goodness!
Forgiveness is acceptance! It’s an agreement or an acknowledgement that I
cannot change what happened, that I’m ready to move forward; and, in that
capacity it becomes closure!