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More Fun, today!
For the rest of my life
I'm going to feel like I'm losing my mind at any given moment.
Because I saved my friend’s
life, I'm one of the millions of Americans who live with mental illness.
It’s a terrifying existence. Trapped inside myself without my
voice, I had to learn how to navigate the internal craziness like a boss.
If I’d listened to the experts my life was over, but I was nineteen-years-old
and I had no intention of giving up, so when I found my voice and started
saying, Something Wonderful is Going to Happen, to summon positive
energy to calm the crazy boiling inside of me, center me, change my perception
of my life falling apart around me into a beautiful landscape that I can
navigate it was exactly what I needed to push me along my journey that no one
ever expected me to go on. The PTSD, the depression, the agoraphobia and
the debilitating anxiety/panic attacks all work in concert to hold me
down. I there was a poster, I’d be the poster-person for mental
illness. Every step I take in life is like riding a constantly rising and
falling wave of crazed panic that leaves me feeling like I’m about to die; and,
it never ends. It’s relentless. I'm either walking through the
crazy, thinking I’m about to die and possibly shitting my pants, or waiting for
the crazy to find me. I’m the Sisyphus of crazy town, pushing a boulder
of insanity around that's going to crush me to death the second I lose my
This is my life because I saved
a life. I can’t change it. I can only accept it. Sure, saving
a life should be more fun, but this is my life and I fight the crazy boiling
inside me by saying: SOMETHING WONDERFUL IS GOING TO HAPPEN; and surrounding
myself with people who affirm me, love me and believe in me.
My mental illness is what makes
me an incredibly beautiful, textured, bad ass human being; and, it’s what
connects me to my power!
There's no shame in falling down or failing. That's when lessons get learned. That's the moment we find our courage to keep fighting.