I’m a childhood sexual abuse survivor. I was raped by my father and step grandfather. I own it. I claim it. It makes me who I am, and it’s important for me to be that person who can admit it because I know other people are out there and I know how alone and ashamed and lost I felt when I started having visions of being violated; and, I never want anyone to feel alone or ashamed for something they had no control over. The people I trusted to love me and make me feel safe betrayed me and ripped a hole in my psyche that left me damaged and disconnected and heartbroken. Because I was raped, I have trust issues, body issues, intimacy issues, waxing and waning self-esteem issues, paranoia and I take everything so personally. All of that’s compounded by the fact that I’m going to feel like I’m losing my mind at any given moment.
The visions of being raped as a child didn’t begin until after I’d written this book, but writing this book helped me heal myself. I never would have been able to survive the shame of being raped if I hadn’t written it, if I hadn’t gone on my journey. I’ve been dead. I’ve been homeless. I’ve been raped dozens of times as a child by people who loved me. I fight mental illness every second of the day, but I know that SOMETHING WONDERFUL IS GOING TO HAPPEN!
I cannot let the shame of something I cannot change destroy me. I refuse to do that, so I forgive myself and I forgive the people who abused me and I free myself and by freeing myself I allow myself to heal! I honor my goodness when I allow myself to heal because I let all the negativity go. The only reason anyone ever need to forgive someone: honor your goodness! Forgiveness is acceptance! It’s an agreement or an acknowledgement that I cannot change what happened, that I’m ready to move forward; and, in that capacity it becomes closure!